You know the phrase – “Not Everyone Can Be Saved”?
If you’re at a good point in life, went through some stuff and found something that works for you, you would probably want to share that with other people – It just comes naturally.
“If I was successful here, then it should work for someone else“
It doesn’t work for everyone, though…
This realization may have always been with you, or you may acquire it at some point in your journey.
Nevertheless, it is a fact.
Some people are just not at the stage when they are ready to receive your “big epiphany”, or even to change anything in their lives and beliefs.
Think about some beliefs that are still with you, that you don’t want to let go of.
They can be obviously destructive, or just a nuisance, but they affect you.
I certainly have a lot of them still.
That is not a bad thing – it serves its purpose.
It is a defense mechanism.
We cannot handle all of our hurtful beliefs at once – it would just completely overwhelm us and throw us into the deepest abyss of misery for a while.
It is probably not the worst thing that can happen, but it is definitely fucking scary.
We all have some amount of these beliefs – you may have already processed most of them, or they may fully control you.
So imagine another person in this place – the one who you are trying to help.
If they aren’t ready (and often if they are too), there will probably be so many hurtful and painful thoughts, so much desire to defend that it will be mentally taxing. It can seem like a literal attack on the peace of mind – and fair enough, it is exactly like it.
There is a widespread belief that “you should not try to help someone who doesn’t want it”.
They make it seem like you are a bad person, a bigot, an arrogant motherfucker who wants the whole world to conform to their way of thinking…
So should you follow that?
Should you stop and restrict yourself from trying to help and guide people who don’t ask for it?
Should you be really mindful not to shove some piece of advice in their face here and there?…
I say – fuck these thoughts.
There is only one question that matters here:
Is it something that you truly want to do?
The first thing that will help you is to investigate why you actually want to give advice to someone: you may think it will work for them, that they will become happier if they do it.
Or maybe that you will receive something out of it – like praise, gratitude or “better” person who will be around you…
If that is the second, it may be helpful to go deeper into why you actually want this from other person.
If that is the case, you’re probably not really trying to help them, but yourself – you think your life will be better because you change that person in some way. Remember that you can give these feelings to yourself first and foremost, you don’t need someone else to make you happy.
If, on the other hand, you genuinely want that person to have a better life in some way, and think that your advice can help them…
That is a positive intention.
It may not be humble.
It may not be gentle.
You may be an ignorant and arrogant smartass by doing it.
They will be the judge of that.
With time it would probably serve you well to come at it from the point of acceptance and peace – understand situation of the person you care about and just relate to what they think they need.
That may be more considerate both of you and of them.
At the same time, I would advocate doing the best you can to guide them to a better life, if you want to.
You have to accept the possible consequences of course – they may get angry, they may lash back, they may leave.
That all can happen.
And that is beautiful.
Each of us knows what is better for us, or at least has some idea.
Remember that people have their own conscience, that they make their own decisions.
How they accept your help is their business, not yours.
They can “defend” their mind if they need to.
They may accept your thoughts completely if they need to.
They may stubbornly stay in their “place” if they think it’s better.
Or, if you will persist and go on, they may gradually accept what you tell them and try it at some point in the future – and that is their decision as well.
If they will be hurt because of you saying something – can you really know it’s a bad thing?
Can you know that this time being hurt won’t cause them to finally overhaul their life and be happy in a couple of years.
No one in the whole world can hurt us.
Until we allow them to.
Ultimately, we can only hurt ourselves.
By trying to invest in their life, you will also need to accept that with all your effort, with all your intentions – you may not give them what you want… At that particular time or ever.
You may also give them something completely different from what you wanted.
It is all ok.
What they will get out of your interaction – is the only thing they had to get from it.
You Gave Them All You Possibly Could.
I want you to know:
You are not in the wrong by giving advice to someone.
If you understand the possible consequences, for you and for them, it will be net positive.
ALL. THE. TIME.
You may not know what will happen if you give them advice.
You may not know what will happen if you won’t…
You can only know your intentions.
How it adds to your life. And how do you think it will add to theirs.
It doesn’t matter what the result will actually be.
Do what you think is right (spoiler – you will always do).
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be perfect.
I allow you to do it.
Leave the rest to history.