This is the ode to the beauty that comes from committing to something that hasn’t happened yet.
There is always a risk it may not turn out to be true in the end.
I took it.
I believed in the version of the reality where I was able to live the choice that I wanted.
Now I had to grieve for a while.
I actually got to grieve.
Walking through the completely empty park early in the morning, in the shadow of the moonlight, I got to feel for the last time everything that I felt with you these days.
I believed in it.
I really fucking wanted this.
I am very sad that it didn’t work out…
But did it really?
The memory of this fleeting moment will forever remain with me.
This short time we were together is one of the most beautiful moments I got to experience in my entire life.
You gave me all you possibly could.
You actually gave me more than enough.
When I committed to this, I thought it would only be in my head.
You proved me wrong.
I got to be close to my dream for four days.
And these three hours when you met me, were not just my dream – I got to LIVE it.
I got to feel the glimpse of what I thought I wouldn’t get for a long time.
The glimpse of a person who really cares about me, being so close to me.
The possibility for me to care about you fully without holding back.
Being impulsive, doing crazy for me things, being in that cafe, walking with you through a busy midday street, holding you in my arms… It was magical.
I really fucking wanted this… I fully believed in it.
And I got to live it.
I didn’t think that I would be ready yet for something that serious.
Because of you, I got to feel that I was. In fact I got to feel not only that I am ready – but that it is one of my biggest dreams.
It just needs to be someone that clicks with me so well.
I got to live my dream for a while, with you.
I got to live my fantasy, especially for these hours you were with me.
I got to be with the most important girl in my life for some time.
You may not have felt this way – but I was already living us.
I committed to it in my mind.
I am glad I did.
I got to feel what being with you feels like.
I got to be overwhelmingly happy, the way I hadn’t felt for a long time.
Even if just for a moment…
I may have to grieve for now – for not being able to experience that with you again.
I may have to be sad for now – for not being able to give to you what I felt in that moment.
But it was worth it – every minute I lived it in my mind.
For that version of me, it has already happened in the future. It was the only truth, completely unchangeable.
I believed in it as strongly as in the current reality. I felt the timeline where you wanted this as well.
I felt how beautiful it was. I felt every bit we gave to each other. I felt these immense emotions we had. I felt the connection.
It has already happened in the future for me.
I could just enjoy the buildup to it – just being with you in these “first” days, holding you, admiring every bit of you. Being so happy, and awaiting with excitement the next stages of that journey.
I got to BE with you, for this fleeting time…
It was worth it every second.
Now I had to grieve.
For the path that I cannot walk for now.
For being closer to my dream than I was in my entire life.
For the things I really wanted that I have to put on hold for now.
These couple of days taught me a lot about myself.
They shaped and reinforced my end goal – that I really want a girl who will be really close to me. With some considerations, but that IS what I ultimately want.
I got to see how this commitment to my decision matters – when in my mind I am on the path where “it has already happened in the future”, I can reap the benefits now, not waiting for the moment it actually comes true.
It may not be “real” in reality sense… But it is real in my view of the world – and that is all that matters.
I get to leave my dream life, without any material proof.
I get to feel happy for the things I don’t yet have.
That feels like one of the cheat-codes for life to me.
And the only possible downside – it may not turn out to be true, and I will have to grieve a bit.
But you know what – it is totally worth it.
These warm memories… These intense feelings… They will stay with me for life – I get to remember them for years to come.
And the grieving wasn’t even that bad. What are the days or even weeks of crying compared to having memories of living the dream?
That risk. That opportunity. That exchange I got to have.
It definitely added happiness to my life.
I also felt, finally, how it is to be “all in”. The law of attraction in action.
I got to see how determined and immensely focused I can be.
I don’t have any regrets.
Now I can certainly say – I did all I possibly could.
I did even more than I could realistically do – because I was literally living in my dream for a while.
The end result though – it is always up to reality, not to me.
I won’t be fighting it – I know the path I have to take has changed. There’s no reason to stick to the old one.
I know what is ahead of me for now, and I accept it fully.
I am going all in with the new reality – which will be awesome as well.
I will make it awesome by believing in it.
As to my life and mindset, I got to see how everything is always turning out to be the best it possibly can be.
Every emotion, every event is there for a reason.
There are no “good” and “bad”. There are no “negative” and “positive”.
It is all just a labels I have in my head…
I got to see another proof that reality, in fact, is perfect.
Reality is always happens as it should.
I loved that I got to live this experience.
It happened in just one week, but I feel like I lived a lifetime.
I got to be on the amazing path with you, even for this small amount of time.
Thank you for allowing me to live my dream.