At some point in the last couple of days I set a new goal for myself in the background:
“Get laid at least one more time this year”
For the context, it is December 14th, which leaves me 2 weeks to reach it in the worst dating month in a year.
Good start huh…
I became obsessed with it so much.
And usually the obsession can be an awesome technique.
But here I lost control.
It turned into a desperation – “I HAVE TO DO IT OR EVERYTHING IN A YEAR IS A FAILURE”.
I allowed this random fluke in my mind to define my happiness.
I almost forgot so many huge things I achieved this year.
I didn’t care that the most valuable thing – full-on coaching with Andy that I dreamed of for years – is happening RIGHT THIS SECOND.
I devalued everything else.
“It only matters to find a girl I can be intimate with once more this year”
Or probably the more real version:
“I am a total loser and don’t deserve to exist if I won’t have sex in these two last weeks of 2022”
These are not very motivating and kind to myself thoughts…
Firstly, it makes me hate reality – when one girl after another keeps rejecting me or rescheduling I get frustrated and angry at the fact that we are just looking for different things.
Secondly, it is completely counterproductive – I put so much pressure on me AND them in the interactions, that it will most likely cause me to scare them off.
I engineered a situation where I would lose.
And I ran my unstoppable train of obsession right into it.
I have to take a step back.
It can apply to anything.
This particular situation is focused on dating and sex…
But how often you set yourself some really strict goal post only to become stressed, angry, frustrated and LESS productive because of that…
I met people who were doing that with other goals.
I had been doing that with many goals before.
I guess it is a human nature of desire to be obsessed with the things we want.
And if we aren’t careful – to become desperate to get it.
What we can do – is to notice it happening, and put a stop to it.
What I will be doing now, is consciously stopping myself from desperately trying to meet new girls for a couple of days.
The best solution for desperation – is to live in the “worst result” of it for a while and accept it happening.
It causes us to detach from negative outcome – it is not that big scary unknown anymore – it is here.
It becomes real. And it can be handled if it happens.
– Why is it supposed to happen now? Why should it be tied to some arbitrary time periods? – No real reason other than ego.
– Will I be able to do it in the next year? – Of course I do. And it will be even easier to find the girl I like without all this pressure.
– Will my life end if I won’t have yet another interpersonal intercourse in a year with three 2s? Lmao, no.
– Will I be ok with not obsessing over the last bang and calming down? I… think I do. It will all be ok no matter what.
It is the reality.
So I will force myself to live in acceptance for a while.
I will internalize that whether I have sexual fun or not – my life will still go on.
If I get some girl in that period by not being obsessed with meeting them – great, it’s a bonus.
If I doesn’t – well I tried. I had the intention. And I still always have myself as a support.
It is a win-win in any way.
It doesn’t need to be this symbolic “conquering the mountain” thing again.
It is all about celebrating the journey.
The small steps. The intentions.
I had a kickass year.
I don’t need another random invented-2-days-ago desire to celebrate it fully.
So if you feel that you stuck in this loop of “achieving a goal” – take a step back.
Look at it and understand that if it won’t happen – it is ok too.
You can continue to go for it afterwards – but from the place of peace.
You won’t blame yourself for arbitrary goalposts.
You will have more energy and enjoyment that way.
