I write (and probably always will in the future) a lot here about choice.
I believe that consciously seeing choices and making the decisions is the most important shift we can make to have agency in our life.
I already talked about it in the first article I started this site from – You Chose To Have This Moment
Seeing that each moment in life is a something that I decided to make into reality is an awesome help.
It can turn around depression and apathy.
It can make it much better to live in the present.
I don’t think it helps with the bigger picture though.
Today, after discussion with my coach, I noticed how I can apply it differently to affect more than just “this moment”
So I am going to take a step back and look at the long term periods. And long-effecting choices.
I used it previously before. In dating-relationship area of my life.
The route I chose for myself is a causal dating with a lot of sexual exploration. I don’t want to be in a monogamous relationship ever, and in a serious one for at least some of the next years.
But for almost the whole first year me going for it, I was very conscious of the disadvantages I started to have. I used to notice a lot of couples around me, enjoying life and each other. That was making me fucking jealous and was arising a lot of doubts.
Ultimately, this anxiety was created by my insecurity – that I would not be able to build the life I wanted.
I knew it was possible, but it was far in the future. And for now I was facing mostly the “cons” of it, and haven’t been able to get much of the “pros”.
It is a hard time starting something new, especially when it is that controversial and unpopular.
The ONLY thing that got me through the hardest moments after, what kept me fixed on the end goal – was remembering one thought.
I Consciously Chose This Path For Myself
I knew I would be suffering for some time. I understood that to fully take advantage of this new lifestyle will probably take months, if not years.
I was just forgetting that in the moment.
When feeling that pain of loneliness I thought that this life “happened” to me – that it was my “destiny” to be an outsider and not have any girls interested in me.
It is a passive view on the world – I was making myself a victim.
That is what was causing me to suffer…
Not lack of intimacy.
Not absence of the proof that I can make it.
It sucked, but it was manageable.
I was suffering because I felt everything was absolutely out of my control.
In reality, it was the opposite.
Being out of control would be flow like the rest of the world – adopt the general principles of society – monogamous dating, marriage, kids, family.
I was going in completely the opposite direction. I was living my most “controlled” life to that date, it required so much perseverance just to keep going against the flow.
I just somehow always forgot about it when something was causing me to hurt.
When I was causing me to hurt…
That is where reminding myself – “I Chose This” – switched my state to the opposite.
From helplessness to the empowerment.
Nowadays, seeing other couples, or people having success in dating doesn’t bother me at all – I know the route I am taking, I internalized it.
I can be truly happy for people in relationships – they found what they wanted.
I will find mine, I am 100% sure of it.
But it was happening again in other areas of my life in the last months:
I was starting this business, forcing myself into social interactions, having coaching clients, new friends, dating, doing a lot of mental work, reflections, opening up and other mindset exercises.
I was doing all this, I used my polyphasic sleeping schedule to the max, I cut away my relaxation periods.
I was going all in into improving every area of my life.
I missed the fact that I don’t have enough time and energy for handling everything at once.
I once again was thinking that it is my destiny to suffer in life.
It brought me to the brink of a breakdown:
“Why should I have to suffer that much when everyone around me seems to have at least a decently happy life?”
I was feeling drained and helpless. I was arguing with reality.
I forgot about the fact that,
I Consciously Chose This Path For Myself
That is a curse of self-improvement – after some point, after having some success and understanding that everything is possible, nothing can take that knowledge away from me.
I know too much about how life works, and now I’m gonna suffer for it.
I can either relax but know I’m not going after what is possible – that is a suffering of not being true to myself.
Or I can put in effort to make that possible and have a lot of painful moments now – the suffering of action.
But you know what, I chose this path of self-improvement for a reason:
I know that it will bring me immense opportunities. I will be able to do whatever I want.
I know that it will bring me peace, love and acceptance. I will be able to love and care about myself.
I know that it will bring me a lot of awesome experiences. I will be able to enjoy every moment of life. I won’t have any regrets.
I know that it will bring me to the elite life that most people (and past me) couldn’t imagine having.
I needed that reminder today.
Life doesn’t want me to suffer – it wants me to be complacent and decently happy.
It wishes good for me.
I am grateful for it.
It is me who is a stubborn and arrogant bastard.
I don’t want decent. I don’t want complacency.
I know what is possible. And I won’t settle for anything less.
If that is what causes suffering – I accept it.
It is my path that I’m carving through the rocks.
There is unimaginable beauty at the end.
For everyone who is on this path with me, who knows too much to go back to complacency and easy life.
Don’t beat yourself up for it.
It may hurt in the moment…
But don’t think that it is your destiny to suffer.
It is temporary and it will become much better.
See it through to the end. It is worth it.
For some reason,
You Consciously Chose This Path For Yourself
You Are In Power