What would you think of the possibility to stay at peace,
no matter what happens in your life?
I remember my first time reading “Letting Go”. It was at the very start of me taking myself (at least slightly) seriously.
It helped me so much with understanding my emotional states, how to switch between them, and just gave me awareness – you cannot change something you don’t know about. That is one of the few books that kickstarted my new life, and I am really grateful for that.
However, I always had one question bugging me all the time I was reading it, and even while rereading it again two months ago from a much better “place” in life. It is especially noticeable towards the end, when the “higher states” start to come up more often.
What would happen if I finally got to these higher states of Peace and Enlightenment?
That was the whole point of the book right? To get you out of the lower states, sure. But to eventually get to the very high.
That didn’t sit well with me at all.
I am fucking terrified of the enlightenment.
This state, when you can be happy, no matter what happens to you. No matter what “negative” thing happens, you could see it and reframe it into positive – seems good, right?
But what if the “negative” or “unhappy” view would cause you to change a lot of things in life and facilitate great improvement?
That is what I fear – That I will be that okay with everything. That I can enjoy anything. That nothing in the world could “move” me if I wouldn’t want that deeply inside…
It may go as far as literally dying. When, faced with the choice of grabbing for life with all I can and being at peace and truly happy with just passing away, I would choose the latter.
I really believe that with practice we can get to that point. All the letting go, acceptance, reframing, loving yourself – it is just that – practice, skill. Monks do it all the time.
And the biggest controversy for me here is – it is not even a bad thing. It is actually the grand “purpose of life”. It seems really awesome to be at peace and joyful until the very end. To experience life as a bliss. To be in a state of PURE happiness at all time.
As for me, I am scared of “winning” in this game. I am terrified to get my life to a point of ultimate success.
I went through a lot. I don’t fear apathy. I don’t fear depression. I am not fearful of fear.
I don’t want to be in these states, but I am not even remotely scared of the possibility.
On the other hand, peace and enlightenment cause me to physically shake in panic when I imagine them.
If I was given a choice between an ability to feel enlightened, and being fearful 90% of the time, I would choose fear immediately without any doubt. In fact, I would run away from even the ability to tap into enlightenment, as I am not sure I could return from that. It may be irreversible.
When I experience “negative” states – it is hard. It is painful. But I feel that something IS wrong. It could hold me for years, but I would eventually break out in some big “Fuck It” moment and go on to make the best version of myself – that literally happened two times in my life.
I can trust my internal compass to guide me to a better life. I have the fail-safe inside.
I am safe.
But in enlightenment… I may not want to change anything.
I would have all the energy in the world. I may want to create something, and it would be effortless and beautiful. I may want to add to the world, and would do so with all I have, making it multiple times better.
Or I may just want to stop, cease to exist and be fully grateful for my death if I felt that it is for the best…
I see enlightenment and being in a bliss almost like a drug. In contrast with our negative-filled lives, it may seem like paradise.
You don’t want to go away from it – there is no reason for that.
Why would you even want to accept possible suffering when you feel at peace every moment?
You are happy. You may do something. You may not.
If you decide to go full-monk, live in the woods, be alone and just feel happy – you will do just that, be happy and nothing can stop you.
I could go very far, to the point of being so happy, so loving, so at peace, that it will not be me anymore.
I could become an entirely different person. Nothing holds me to the previous life in that state. Nothing can push me back. Almost as after a memory loss – this person may be eternally happy. But he won’t be ME.
And I like myself.
Maybe not at all times. But I don’t want to lose this connection with the current version of me.
You know, like mirror therapy:
I love the “me” person standing there. I want to hug him. I want to comfort him. I don’t want him to suffer.
I want to give him everything that I possibly can.
But I never, ever, ever want to let him go. Ever…
Even at the cost of our happiness.
I, just… don’t want to see him go…
It all stems down to the fear of death. But I don’t want to lose it.
I want to live. I did so much for it. I’ve been through a lot of shit. I survived. I won.
I deserved my right to live, am I not?
Why should I be ok with letting it go at some point? What is the point then? Was it all for nothing?
The best words in my life I heard from my mentor – You are enough. You already proved everything.
That is true. I did enough. I can just be, enjoy the moment and feel happy.
I can enjoy being alive
I won’t just sit down and do nothing – I will improve and get better. And sometimes I would feel down, or even depressed. I can recover from that.
But I cannot recover from death.
If the fear of death stops me from getting to the point where I am fully enough, then I accept that.
I don’t think I would ever want to be ok with dying.
I want to live.
I deserved it.