This past month was heavy on epiphanies for me. One of the biggest was – I actually love writing.
I love putting my thoughts on paper and on screen. And, what actually surprised me, I love to put it out there for people to see.
I think in doing so and noticing this passion, I finally understood how so many people, me included, are accustomed to suppressing our desires.
“It won’t be interesting to anyone”
“I will do a bad job at it”
“I don’t know what to write about”
“It is too personal for me”
“People will shout at me, find where I live, come up, punch me in the face and rob me of my laptop if I write something out there”
Well, the last one is maybe a little bit overblown…
But you get what I mean – we create so many excuses, so many stories about why we cannot do “this exact thing”.
It is actually a justification for not facing the fears – and to be frank, it is probably hard and it can be painful.
It is definitely very vulnerable.
But all that you get in the result, is not safety – if anyone wants to exploit you, if some fear may cause breakdown – it will still happen eventually.
The only thing you achieve in the pursuit of that abstract comfort, in escaping your “vulnerability”, is you taking apart the very structure that supports your comfort and happiness in the first place.
Instead of building myself up and reinforcing my flaws, I was putting a cover on them and leaving them to rot.
In my pursuit of “protecting” myself I was doing the opposite.
Underneath I was a lying bastard to myself.
I tried to burn and exterminate vulnerable parts of my personality.
With them I was cutting off what made me – “me”, all the passions I had, all the possibilities I could achieve.
I was running away from myself.
I was drawn to writing all my life. I just decided not to notice that disturbing thought.
Even while writing my private journal, without showing it to anyone, without publishing, I still felt very ashamed of what I put on paper.
I was always terrified of that disaster – “someone can possibly see what is inside of me“.
That was probably the cause of not taking part in any social circles/networks/groups until 3 years ago, when I started actively work with facing fears.
At some level this thought even may have been – “I am terrified to see what is inside of me”.
Though I was quite good at being by myself for a long time already, when I am writing something it is far more personal.
And still, through all of that, when I got the opportunity – I wrote something.
In my depression, I wrote pages on how I felt.
In being first time completely alone in a new city – I wrote a two-part small novel.
When faced with challenges at the start of my self-improvement – I wrote a journal.
That writing surge was from my strong negative emotions – as I guess for many poets/writers/musicians – you just have to express somewhere all feelings overflowing you.
There are no other outlets, at least not even remotely as powerful.
It didn’t matter then what could happen by me expressing myself – I was not thinking clearly – I just needed to put it out there.
Thing is, there is no need to have a negative emotions to create something.
It may come even from kinda “low energy”.
I needed to be attuned enough to feel what is inside me. Aware enough.
Trusting myself enough to go deep and listen to these other feelings and thoughts that were lying hidden there.
I had to start loving myself before I could open up to the world.
Many things contributed to it – self-improvement, gym and body “upgrades”, coaching with Andy, mirror therapy. And a lot of other stuff.
I had to learn to feel two best positive states that there are:
Love and Gratitude
Love for myself.
Love for the world around me.
Gratitude for everything that happens and would happen.
Only after that was I able to express myself more or less greatly.
I still have a long way to go, but I can see the changes clearly now.
I cannot know how will be received the stuff that I put out there.
To be honest, I almost don’t care about it.
I care about my perspective.
I truly believe that there are someone whose life will become better after reading my stuff.
I truly believe that me sharing my mind will make the world slightly better.
I absolutely know that me writing my ideas and philosophies will make ME better.
I absolutely know that I will receive MYSELF lovingly.
Is there anything else to strive for in life?
I believe these four points of view are applicable to any passion you may have as well.
Allow youself to go for what you want.
It may be hard at the start, you may fail often. But ultimately, nothing bad will happen.
You are giving to the world by doing what you love.
And, more importantly, you are gifting a life to yourself by going for it.
It made my life infinitely happier.
It surely can make yours too.