I had a shitty pair of last days.
You know how sometimes unfulfilled parts of life can affect all others and make existence a living hell?
That is what was happening with my dating lately.
I am not yet good at using reflections, gratitude and positive mindset at every opportunity. I had learned to be good at it as a baseline – to not feel totally hopeless, to always have something to look up to.
That is, in my opinion is a requirement for having at least some sort of happiness in life – there needs to be some destination I am walking to.
Depression caused by inaction.
Apathy caused by not knowing that there are solutions.
I got good at maintaining life.
I cannot say that about the overall flow of it.
I know that in 2-5 years it will all be in the past. I would have build my awesome life in whatever way I want it to be happy – to some tangible supportive baseline, where anything else is a bonus. This is possible for each of us at that time.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t feel pain in the process. Maybe even more of it – I compare myself somehow to that future version of me – and I feel this huge hole in my life where my abundance would be after.
It is not here yet.
Dating has been… On and off to say the least.
First of all, it is Serbia, for fuck sake. It is considered as one of the hardest countries among dating community – and I felt this first handedly. It is also supposed to be very rewarding for all the men’s dating skills, but… I am a fucking newbie. I get mauled in the mud by almost every encounter I have here.
That is not a pleasant experience.
I just cannot grasp my head around it, at all. What are the people even doing here? I cannot get the hang of the culture…
Maybe I brainwashed myself with too much of a western-based material.
And maybe trying to be completely open and honest is not what is required for success here.
For the past eight months I have tried so many different things. And had so little success.
This is a recipe for accepting defeat and quitting, right?
But what is the alternative?
Fuck around for a couple of months more, start being a simp, lose myself and accept whatever comes my way?
That is the thing, I can’t accept the alternative. I know too much.
I know myself enough to understand that I would not be happy if I went down to the previous level.
It may be the case that I won’t have much success here for all 2 years I plan to stay.
But at the very least – I will be true to myself.
It is an exercise in stoicism.
It is a practice of sucking up, facing the reality, taking hundreds of debilitating blows to the face, but keeping rising up again and again.
That is a motto that no one can take from me ever again.
I will be feeling pain. I will be frustrated to the point of almost non-existence.
And I will still do something.
I will make the better version of myself, one percent more each day.
I will keep making content and sharing myself even in these completely down moments – like I am doing now.
Maybe it will give some of you motivation and resilience to go on, one step at a time, until you reach your mountain.
Maybe some of you will feel not that alone in your struggles. That someone at the other side of the world can experience the same doubts, fears and anxieties about his life.
I don’t know if I can help someone by sharing these moments. But at the very least, I will help myself.
I say all of this for me as well as for you…
When you feel like you cannot go on, like you want to just lie down and give in to hopelessness – don’t.
Do. The. Smallest. Thing. Possible
Grab on to any support you possibly can
Grab on to life
Never Give Up.