I tell everyone that I am trying to make world a better place.
I tell myself that. I doubt that over and over again, every day, but I still believe that at some level. And I try to act in accordance to that.
But at the same moment I am saying that – just a couple of minutes ago – I chose myself over someone else and hurt them.
It was not life-changing, I was just the arrogant asshole douchebag who chose his own experience over someone else’s mood. At least from my perspective.
And it wasn’t even something I invented to hurt them specifically. I told the truth – I wasted too much time, and chose to work more on my projects – this blog and photography – instead of meeting up. Chose to break my promise.
And then I chose to not apologize for it and stood my ground no matter what they said. Why? Just for personal experience, to learn that I am allowed to be disappointing and arrogant asshole if I decide that is what I need. I did it just to know I could.
I made a mistake with scheduling and priorities – I am a shitty human who is allowed to make mistakes. That is slightly disappointing. But it is okay, we all make mistakes.
But I chose to be a huge asshole and not apologise, because I am a shitty human who is allowed to be an asshole. That is very fucking disappointing.
But it is still okay.
I would have wanted to say that I regret doing that. But I am not. I got my much wanted experience out of it.
I am not proud of what I did. And I feel shitty about it. But I would do so again, if the need presented itself.
I would not be happy, in fact, I would be furious, if someone did the same to me. I would be fucking hugely disappointed and cut them out of my life immediately (which is exactly what ended up happening to me).
But I would not blame them. They had their reasons.
Maybe they had absolutely flawed douchebaggy reasons. But they had them.
They are the adult who will be responsible for consequences.
I chose to be responsible for mine.
At the end of the day I will be lying in bed, one on one with my own thoughts. I will be the only judge of what has happened in that day. I would feel shitty, but I would not be angry with myself.
I will not be feeling neglected.
I will not be screaming how everything in the world around me is evil and unfair (I actually did that at some point)
I will know that I did what I wanted.
I will know that I chose what is better for myself.
I will know that I slightly improved one part of me – became a little bit less afraid of being disappointing
I will go to sleep, at peace.
That will allow me to wake up tomorrow in the productive state. And from that state I can try to make the world a better place.
I am just a shitty human being after all. And the biggest hypocrite I met in my entire life.