Ability to relax is a skill.

I usually say a lot about being unproductive, how much I worry that I’m not doing enough, or relaxing too much. I express all of these worries. And the next thing I do – force myself to write an article, on my day-off, when I don’t even want to.

I promised myself that I will do only the things I want to do on that day. And for the half of the day I did… Until this huge pressure at the back of my head just started nagging me: “do something useful”, “make a photo”, “reflect on questions your coach asked you to do”. Write an article!”. And here I am, before my laptop, doing just that.

I didn’t know what I wanted to write. I just knew that I had to start something. I don’t worry about an end result anymore – I Gave Myself Permission To Suck.
Even if it didn’t turn out good, that is ok. I Kept Momentum Going. And I can say to myself – “You did a pretty good job. You tried, at least”.

But that comes with a cost. I cannot relax. Properly.

To just be and do nothing productive, as much as I want to sometimes, is harder than throw myself into the heart of some terrifying new goal. I tracked down two reasons why this happens inside me:

  1. The Fear Of Complacency. Scary prospect of returning to the complacency of 19-year-old-Dima which caused me then to get into huge depression, unwanted relationship and replace real world with the virtual.
  2. The Guilt. Unbearable, constantly nagging guilt. It masks itself as a gentle push, something inside that cares about me and wants me to be better. But when I don’t do something it wants – which is filling half of my day with “productive” actions – oh boy… The hell breaks loose.

For all my experience, for all positive thinking, for all internal processing and reliance on emergency meditations, these feelings still take a hold of me sometimes.
Especially when I am not at my best
Especially on my days-off
I Have To Do Something

Funny part is, I know what to do about it. I know how to handle these feelings in course of minutes – I learned the techniques and they work great.

But I chose to suffer, I allowed this pain and fears to overwhelm me, so I could write an article about it… Nice way to treat yourself, Dima.
Sometimes I really do some counterintuitive things.

Now I feel at peace. The combination of venting into a keyboard everything I wanted to say and the fact that I “did something”.

I don’t think this article is good. I don’t think I know how to make a point yet. I think I ramble too much. I really doubt this particular one will help anyone with their worries. But with all these worries, I will take a step back and say –

It IS good enough

And you know what bugs me now? I invented these two reasons why I am writing today, put them into words and was defending them for the last hour I’ve been here.

But I enjoyed that last hour

I think I forgot one more possible reason:
Maybe I just like to write.

Maybe I just wanted to do it but couldn’t be honest with myself.
Food for thought for the rest of my day…

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